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Ranting Raver: Guide for Ibiza Virgins

Tips for island newbies to be taken seriously, literally and with or without salt.

As we finally contemplate another full season of clubbing in 2022, we rewind to some sound advice given by a seasoned clubber to the uninitiated. 

Fitting In
The most important thing when coming to Ibiza is to have a tattoo. Don't worry if you don't have a tattoo yet, there are plenty of places to ink up as soon as you arrive, for extra points be drunk. If you already have a tattoo, why not get another so there can be no mistaking how rebellious you are? Now is the time to get that tribal pattern you've been coveting, or that paw mark you felt represented your fighting spirit, or that mysterious Chinese character you can't get out of your head since you saw it on your takeaway container.

Possible Hazards
Look out for Ibiza workers, they were ordinary young people just like you once but they've partied too hard for too long and now they're rabid. They are wildly unpredictable, moods swinging cataclysmically depending on the stage of their comedown. Some senses are dulled, like hearing and empathy, whilst others are heightened, for example, they will instantly smell your fear, narcotics or Casa Thai Takeaway.

Health and Economy
Don't be surprised when the Ibiza club bartender charges you €12 just for water, as opposed to, say, NOTHING anywhere else. Extortionate drink prices are an unfortunate and fixed feature of Ibiza super clubs that never ceases to appal veterans and virgins alike. You see as long as you've got money the clubs want to take care of your health, and to that end prevent you from filling up your water bottle at the bathroom taps by making them warm and salty. This way there's no chance of affecting your long-term health by quenching your dangerous thirst levels with the tiniest amount of local water. Thanks, clubs!

Don't be a Pussy
If the party is good, stay to the end. Ibiza is not like those incredible house parties where the world seems perfect for a few hours and then suddenly you look around and your final companions are the passed out girl with her hand trailing in sick and that guy that nobody invited that has a drug problem and kept asking people for drugs and is now shouting in your ear about something he told you a half-hour ago. In Ibiza the magic happens at the end; the people that have stuck it out are there for the music and are the kind of people you want to be friends with.

Fashion Dos and Don'ts
Girls – don't worry about finding shorts that cover your entire bottom. Seriously, don't even worry about it; it's not the done thing. In fact, if you aren't showing any cheek, you need to go home and change.
Guys – all you need to do is not wear a F*** ME I'M FAMOUS! vest. It's a simple rule but many of you are still getting this wrong.

Don't be a Johnny-One-Language, learn some useful Spanish phrases. Here are the most important ones to get you started:

Quiero un litro de hierbas con dos pajitas, por favor.
I would like one litre of hierbas please, and two straws.

Por favor, no me toques. Me he quemado un montón.
Please don't touch me, my sunburn is raging with the fire of a thousand suns.


Me has tirado mi copa de vodka con redbull de 18 € y ¡ahora tendrás que morir!
You spilled my £15 vodka redbull and now you must die.

¿Cuál es tu variante de Covid favorita?
What's your favourite Covid variant?

Your parents probably think this is a hedonistic vortex of promiscuity where hymens come to die. A place where women abandon their scruples and open wide the allegorical floodgates to any and every willing phallus that advances upon their unguarded love box. Maybe you think this too. What you get up to is your own business, just remember – herpes is itchy and for life.

As easy as it is to fill your holiday time tripping the light fantastic between the bright lights of Playa d'en Bossa and San Antonio, don't be so goddamn predictable. There are countless incredible venues dotted across the island where you'll probably have the best night of your stay if you can find them. Quite apart from the party scene, the island also has some serious earth porn hotspots, where you'll get your buzz off all that nature malarkey David Attenborough keeps squawking about. The nice thing about being in nature is that it makes you feel better about your excessive party habits. It's not a logical rationalisation… but you'll find it's a conveniently powerful one.

Now go forth! And pop thou Beefa-cherry however ye may.

Updated as of January 2022

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