As we approach another clubbing season in 2026, we rewind to some sound advice given by a seasoned (if sometimes curmudgeonly) clubber to the uninitiated.
Fitting in
The most important thing when coming to Ibiza is to have a tattoo.
Don't worry if you don't have a tattoo yet; there are plenty of places to get inked up as soon as you arrive. For extra points, be drunk.
If you already have a tattoo, why not get another so there can be no mistaking how rebellious you are? Now is the time to get that tribal pattern you've been coveting, the paw mark you felt represented your fighting spirit, or how about that mysterious Chinese character you saw on your takeaway container?
Possible hazards
Look out for Ibiza workers.
They were ordinary young people just like you once, but they've partied too hard for too long and now they're rabid. They are wildly unpredictable, moods swinging cataclysmically depending on the stage of their comedown. Some senses are dulled, like hearing and empathy, whilst others are heightened.
For example, they will instinctively sniff out your fear, stash, Take A Thai Home box meal, and general naivety.
Health and economy
Don't be surprised when the Ibiza club bartender charges you €12 just for water, as opposed to, say, NOTHING anywhere else on the planet.
Extortionate drink prices are an unfortunate and fixed feature of Ibiza's super-clubs that never ceases to appal veterans and virgins alike. You see, as long as you've got money, the clubs want to take care of your health, and to that end, prevent you from filling up your water bottle at the bathroom taps by making them warm and salty.
This way, there's no chance of affecting your long-term health by quenching your dangerous thirst levels with the tiniest amount of local water. Thanks, capitalism!
Don't be a lightweight
If the party is good, stay to the end.
Ibiza is not like those incredible house parties where the world seems perfect for a few hours, and then suddenly you look around, and your final companions are the girl who has passed out with her hand trailing in sick, and that guy that nobody invited, who has a drug dependency, and is now shouting in your ear about the latest recycled conspiracy theory.
In Ibiza, the magic happens at the end; the people who have stuck it out are there for the music and are the kind of people you want to be friends with.
Fashion dos and don'ts
Girls - don't worry about finding shorts that cover your entire bottom. Seriously, don't even second-guess yourself. It's just the done thing. In fact, if you aren't showing any cheek, you need to go home and change into something more revealing. You know, the kind of thing that would give your dad an aneurysm.
Guys – please (and I cannot stress this enough) remove that durag strapped around your chin. You're not the missing member of KEINEMUSIK, but you do look like an absolute weapon.
Communication
Don't be a Johnny-One-Language. Learn some useful Spanish phrases. Here are the most important ones to get you started:
Quiero un litro de hierbas con dos pajitas, por favor.
I would like one litre of hierbas and two straws, please.
Por favor, no me toques. Me he quemado un montón.
Please don't touch me, my sunburn is raging with the fire of a thousand suns.
¡Temazo!
Tune!
Me has tirado mi copa de vodka con Red Bull de 15 € y ¡ahora tendrás que morir!
You spilled my €15 vodka Red Bull, and now you must die.
¿Cuál es tu época favorita de Marco Carola?
What's your favourite Marco Carola era?
En mi opinión, Ibiza no ha sido la misma desde que cerraron Space/Se acabó Cream/le pusieron el techo al DC10/se fueron las legiones romanas.
In my opinion, Ibiza hasn't been the same since Space closed/Cream finished/they put the roof on DC10/the Roman legions left (delete as applicable)
Courtship
Your parents probably think this is a hedonistic vortex of promiscuity where hymens come to die. A place where women abandon their morals at the departure gate and open wide the allegorical floodgates to any and every willing phallus that advances upon their unguarded love box. Maybe you think this, too.
What you get up to is your own business. Just remember: getting herpes is like getting a puppy at Christmas... It's for life.
Exploration
As easy as it is to fill your holiday time tripping the light fantastic between the bright illuminations of Playa d'en Bossa and San Antonio, don't be so goddamn basic. There are countless incredible venues dotted across the island where you can have some of the best nights of your holiday.
Quite apart from the party scene, the island also has some serious earth porn hotspots, where you'll get your buzz off all that nature malarkey David Attenborough keeps squawking about. The nice thing about being in nature is that it makes you feel better about your excessive party habits.
It's not a logical rationalisation… but you'll find it's a conveniently powerful one.
For all our Ibiza virgins out there, and for those who need a little reminder of how things work, our in-depth guide will show you the way.
Now go forth! And pop thou "Beefa" cherry however ye may.
Header image: EsBirra | Credit Phrank Photography
