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Ten more mistakes made by Ibiza virgins

A summer's worth of wisdom.

Updated as of August 2017.

The last feature that included me attempting to take on the role of some kind of ‘Ibiza Virgins' Guru' (far from it) actually did pretty well. Judging by the comments made by those about to lose their Ibiza virginities, I may have prevented a few problems from happening (as entertaining as they could have been to watch), and that gives me good karma. So thank guys, we're all winners here.

Anyway, this next set of mistakes will also have every Ibiza virgin nodding along in agreement, but it'll perhaps be particularly poignant for all the long suffering workers out there. I'd like to think I fall into the category of an Ibiza worker, but that could be a touchy subject because the main job roles include ticket selling and gueslisting, and I've done neither of those. Having said that, I've done the usual moving from squat to squat; I budget and indulge in workers' meals from Burger King when I hit the fourth day running of living off bread and alioli; I've powered through work on zero sleep and most importantly, I've been here since May.

I've nothing but respect for fellow workers on the White Isle - we're important the cogs in the Ibiza machine and a right laugh at that too - the ridiculous situations we find ourselves in become the thing of legend. We've seen, said and done it all and lived to tell the tale, but in the process, we've made quite a lot of mistakes. Here are the top ten situations you've almost definitely found yourself in if this is your first year as a worker on la isla.

Leaving it last minute to buy a fan

Most seasonists know that May isn't that bad on the sweat meter - we're all just arriving and we're excited to get a tan, so there are way better things to spend our money on than 30€ fan, right? But then the season races on, and all of a sudden it starts to get hotter. A lot hotter. And now we're panicking. We're too hungover to get in the sea and we're laying in our non-air conditioned apartments swealtering, moaning and asking God, why us? We finally pluck up the courage to drag ourselves to the cheap Chinese shop and guess what, every fan on the island was sold before August. We're shocked, we're upset, we're going to die of heat stroke. But it's our own fault - we left it too late.

The NIE journey

This was an ordeal that went on for far, far too long when I first arrived on the island and tried to get myself organised. It's a myth that criculates off Ibiza that once we get here we can grab the one important document that allows us to work here with no hassle at all. Except then you realise you don't speak Spanish. So you go to The Ship and pay someone 70€ for the pleasure of doing it for us. But even then, you have to go to the Social Security Office in ibiza Town to get an additional Social Security Number. We're told it's only a bus ride away, but of course, that's a lie too. It's in the middle of Figueretas, so we all get lost, we all arrive at the office sweaty, agitated and 70€ out of pocket, but we're all desperate to get the sign off we need to start officially working. It's a bittersweet ordeal.

Spending all of our money because it's alright, "we get our deposits back"

We've all done it. Sure, I'll buy this 45€ blow up flamingo, I get my 400€ deposit back at the end of the season. Oh how naïve we are. Those housemates you decide to move in with in early May might not actually make the whole season - they might end up dropping like flies, and then suddenly you've got to fill their place. But now it's September and there's no one who can move in, so you're stood in your kitchen with the landlady on her way up and you're a whole human worth of rent down, and you're the only one who cares because once your housemate's plane is booked, it's not their problem anymore. Let's just say the likelihood of actually receiving your deposit back is slim. Don't buy that blow up flamingo.

Working on little to no sleep

Yet again, this is definitely something we've all been through time after time and yet we still never learn. No amount of excuses will get us through the utter despair of working after an all-nighter. Here in the Spotlight office we know how it feels, we have to go out a lot for our jobs and we suffer for days later. With parties that continue until 7 AM, and after parties that start at 8 AM, it's impossible to say no. It's not so bad when you're sat in an air conditioned office all day, but grafting in the blazing sun up and down the bay for 10 hours... on four minutes sleep (collapsed against a wall)... torture. Is it worth it? Every time.

Leaving your Facebook logged in while scouring the workers' page

Leaving your Facebook logged in at any time can be pretty risky business - as the years go on we've come up with much more inventive 'frapes' than the oh-so-hilarious "I'm gay". Posting on the workers' page pretty much introduces you to 8000 workers, new and old. It's where first impressions can be built and you'll probably be recognised down the West End for anything you've posted. That includes when your housemate takes advantage of your fragile state and posts somethig along the lines of "Any girls want to come round mine for a cuddle?" on the page for everyone to see. Best one to date? "I came to Ibiza four days ago and my teeth started to fall out, can anyone help?"... You best believe someone offered to glue them back in for a price.

Being a no-show after ordering a workers' taxi

Another way you could well end up being named and shamed on one of the prolific workers' pages, and not in a legendary kind of way. I'm sure we're all aware of the worker taxi ways - a half price ride to wherever you want and most likely a new friend is made, but decide you want to actually stay at the club just a little bit later and you can't be bothered to tell the person who's driven miles out to get you... You'll wake up having been named on the workers' page, as well as blacklisted by most drivers. Just let them know!

Forgetting about your workers' discount

My brain was a minute late last time I was in Burger King, and what happened? I eneded up 8€ down. Workers' meals exist and not just in Burger King, but at Thai In A Box and with a cheap-as-chips discount card, as well as places like Skinny Kitchen and The Ship. Take advantage of anything discount flavoured because those euros saved could add up to a season's worth of bus fares, a DC10 t-shirt or a stocked up fridge full of sangria - the possibilities are endless. Plus any food you've not paid full price for tastes 20 x better. Fact.

Not trying the Blue Rooms a least once

I was shoved into this workers' after hours fiesta without warning last week. It was 7 AM and the party had just got started. I won't say directly where this rave is, but what I can say is it's underground and crawling with fellow workers. In fact, only workers are let into this perfect venue to continue their with their mad partying ways. In spite of the sweat levels, it's another privilege us grafters can be thankful for receiving.

Not labelling your food

This is a typical university problem that followed me all the way here. Even though I myself can be the biggest culprit of thieving food, there's nothing worse than finishing work absolutely starving and coming home to find all your food (I say food, I obviously mean baguettes and alioli) missing, bar for some crumbs. I once went home to find all my eggs had been thrown off the balcony. Annoying, yet slightly funny.

Not seeing through the hard times

Here's for the soppy part. Being a worker here is hard - doing a season is an emotional rollercoaster to say the absolute least. But your bad moments only last an hour, because there's never a bad day in Ibiza. Yes, we struggle to sleep and eat properly, our landlords try to have us over, some bosses underpay us, and sometimes we fall out. But if there's one thing that brings us all together it's our spirit. We watch the most beautiful sunsets and we meet the most incredible people, our surroundings become home and co-workers become family. We are part of the loving machine that keeps the island buzzing with energy and we experience some of the best times of our lives together. There is never a dull moment on this island - no one can wipe the grins off our faces or ruin our time here. So give yourselves a pat on the back whether you've made it through to September or not, you deserve it.

WORDS | Ruby Munslow

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