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Ranting Raver's (slightly aggressive) tips for surviving closings

Preparing you for dancing along that end-of-season tightrope between celebration and struggle.

Wear shoes.

You'd be surprised how many people get this wrong after a bender. Shoes are important because they send the message that you're not homeless, and can also be taken off and used to clobber flies, mosquitoes or Italians against a wall when they misbehave. Don't be a drip and wear heels though ladies, heels are for Mel Gibson on weekends, not closing parties. Guys, the only thing you need to avoid is socks and sandals, and since most of you won't be 65 it should be easy. Rollerskates and those sneakers with the flashing lights encouraged for all, no reason your feet shouldn't party as hard as your face.

Carry fire.

No tool is more useful to the solo clubber for making friends than the lighter - and don't be too proud to proclaim the absence of said lighter if no opportunity to share it comes your way first. It's also super useful for warding off unwanteds on the dance floor. No one expects a searing flame on their skin before it happens - BUT BOY DO THEY REMEMBER IT AFTERWARDS HAHAHA! Failsafe.

He who falls behind, is left behind.

Show no mercy. If they can't hack the pace, maybe it's time to reconsider the friendship. The most important thing is having fun and people who are tired are bad at that, which is totally not your problem. You don't need to kill them or anything, I'm just saying if they look like they might be dying but you're on the way to Cocoon, you need to get your priorities straight. Cocoon closings are really something special. Your doomed companion will understand, and if not, well they'll be dead soon won't they?

This got kind of dark.

Wear something outrageous.

OMG those neon short shorts and a native american headdress would be soooo wacky! A loud tropical shirt, high socks and star-shaped glasses would be off the charts, right?? WRONG; you're thinking like a peanut. Wrap yourself in layers of bubble-wrap and bring joy to an entire dance floor. Recreate the leather scene from Pulp Fiction. Slather yourself in glue then bathe in glitter. Attach a mohawk of rainbow slinkies which runs from the top of your head right down your back to your bum. The possibilities are endless and if you are bold, the party forces will come to your aid.

Carry mosquito repellent and sunscreen at all times.

…and tell your children how you survived the Great Ibiza Mosquito Onslaught of 2015. Those not currently in Ibiza may not realise that those whining, conniving vampires from bug-Hades have met in the many shallow post-rain pools of the island and staged a puddle-putsch, and are now in total and inflammatory control of all the humans. I for one do not welcome our insect over-lords. Productivity down 200%.

Also it still could be mega sunny, and most of you are English, so sunscreen.

Erect a complex system of levers and pulleys in your place of abode.

On the rare occasions you return to your hotel/villa/apartment for some rest (it's OK, even pre-rehab Pete Doherty took naps), you will need instant and effortless access to certain things from the comfort of your bed. Take some time before heading to the club to construct a complex system of levers and pulleys which will bring cups of tea and cold beers, a few books, a box of kittens, spaghetti bolognese portions and maybe some warm jasmine-scented towels directly to your hands with the mere flick of a wrist. Don't feel confident at your ability to build something of this complexity during your pre-party drinks? Sounds like vagina talk to me, are you sure you're cut from Ibiza closing cloth?

Secure the undying loyalty of a taxi driver.

This will take some forward planning. You'll need to stake out several different taxi drivers in advance to see who is the most susceptible to bribery, blackmail, hostage scenarios or false expressions of friendship. Then exploit whichever you are most comfortable with (leave the scruples at grandma's house - remember nothing is more important than having fun). Be thorough with this, the driver must feel like ferrying you around the island is his or her only option for survival or it won't work.

Seriously, there is literally no other way to get home from a villa after party.

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