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Review: Ushuaïa opening party, 2014

Breaking it down into 10 easy steps guaranteed to make you appreciate Ushuaïa Ibiza this year.

The 10 steps of enjoying the Ushuaia opening party.

Step 1: Be typically British and spend the majority of the hours and days in the run up to the opening party talking about the weather whilst looking at the clouds. When it starts to rain on the day, do not panic - make your way to Ushuaïa and get involved, the pool is full of the same water and you'll inevitabely end up raving in it.

Step 2: Check out the sights and sounds of Playa d'en Bossa on the way in. You'll notice the hype and energy ;evels have risen as the bars and clubs start to open for business for the season, Space looks to be gearing up for their opening the next day, there are crowds checking out the Ushuaïa walk of fame with DJ's names in gold stars on the pavement and, of course, the pretty ladies posing for photographs with punters at the entrance.

Step 3: Relish the relatively cool weather by going raving in a hoodie, scarf, tshirt, backpack, full length pants, trainers, underwear and socks. You'll notice you are wearing on average 7 items more than everyone else. The novelty will eventually wear off and you'll end up boiling in the paddling pool, but the first hour is fun!

Step 4: Take the obligatory tour of the venue to check out what they have changed for 2014. Everything seems to be the same until you notice the massive new second floor VIP structure at the back above the restaurant. You realise the structure is a stunning bit of architecture, the view form up there is no doubt worth the fee and it now means more main dance floor space at the front of the dancefloor. Good move Ushuaïa - the best VIP/non VIP arrangement on the island as a fair compromise between the needs of both parties.

Step 5: Consider taking on some extra work as a late night masseuse to pay for the high life after you see a waiter march past clutching a large, glimmering, silver platter containing food and drink you definitely want.

PHOTO | From top clockwise; the entrance to Ushuaïa carefully guarded, the view from the new VIP section.

Step 6: Stand on the little walkway that acts like a tightrope from one side of the pool to the other, dodging the wild-elbow-dancers and inevitable fall into your watery grave of humiliation. When you've found a spot, you clutch the rope like a terrified toddler with their parent and take a minute to look around. It dawns on you that Ushuaïa is without doubt the most visually stunning club you've ever been to - the Ushuaïa Tower looking down at you, the stunning VIP section behind you, the greatest collection of lights, lasers, pyrotechnics, confetti and barely clothed acrobats ever assembled on one single stage… sweets digs bro.

Step 7: Get amongst it. With the VIP section previously located between the pool and stage now moved to the back, you can walk either side of the pool to the front and make use of the extra space to techno-two-step yourself to happiness. Beware the dance floor battlefield, however, for there are many dangers to look out for: ice cannons, sub-woofers which will cave your chest in and a dastardly combination of lasers and LED screens that'll hypnotise you and make you forget large portions of the night.

Step 8: Marvel at the glory of the music on offer on the night. Spanish artists well represented with Los Suruba and Uner playing earlier whilst Nic Fanciulli, Deetron and Adrea Oliva take things down a tougher edge, with Sasha and last act-of-the-night Paul Kalkbrenner (sporting typical cigarette and Germany Football top) catering for the more progressive, building sound. From now on refer to anything Paul Kalkbrenner or Sasha plays as being ‘emo tech', or emotional techno. Do your level best not to be over emotional when ‘Square One', ‘La Mezcla', ‘Sky And Sand' or ‘Jestruepp' are dropped by Kalkbrenner. In fact anything from his album Berlin Calling or Guten Tag.

Step 9: Party outside, under the open sky, until around 5am on an island that has made outdoor parties particularly rare to run so late into the next morning. Shriek like a girl anytime a plane comes in to land over your head whilst laughing at tiny faces in the windows for getting to the island too late to enjoy Ushuaïa opening.

Step 10: Leave several hours after saying “I can only go down for a bit, I've got Space, DC10, Emerging Ibiza and everything else to come over the next few days you know, there's hard work to be done.” Put your face as close to a bed as you can manage and wake up 12 hours later with it resting neatly on top of a partially eaten pizza. Great night!

PHOTO | Top left clockwise; the silver platter of goodness being delivered, the walkway of doom, Paul Kalkbrenner, the insane stage production and lasers.

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