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Ranting Raver: 15 Rules for Ibiza

Take heed, lest your eyes be gouged out.

15 rules The Ranting Raver hopes to legislate to make Ibiza a better place:

On the Beach

1. Every piece of rubbish you leave behind - cigarette butts and broken glass included - you should be forced to eat.

2. Topless sunbathing is perfectly acceptable but circling past topless sunbathers with reflective sunglasses is not (punishable with eye-gouging).

3. If you see a lobster-hued Englishman (or some other such sun-forsaken nationality) passed out on the beach you should wake him up with a cold beer and suggest he find some shade - unless he has fallen asleep with offensive electro blasting out of low quality speakers, in which case tar and feather him.

4. Sandcastles should be encouraged.

5. 50 Shades of Gray is not acceptable reading material for the beach, or anywhere for that matter. Ceremonial burnings of all confiscated copies will occur monthly and perpetrators made to watch (or ideally burnt at stake surrounded by their offensive literature as kindling. Still working through logistics of this one…)

In the Club

1. Drinks should be free.

2. Male podium dancers should take themselves less seriously. Robo-dancing and peck twitching in gladiator sandals does not make you a tortured artiste. Enough with the funeral face and crack a smile.

3. Any disputes with bouncers should be settled with a dance-off or glow stick duel.

4. Anyone seen with their face in their phone for more than 5 minutes will have said phone confiscated and destroyed in the aforementioned 50 Shades burn off.

5. The bump'n'grind dance move is hereby banned forthwith from all Ibiza establishments. Any female caught enacting this will have her groin-seeking bottom surgically attached to the lecherous man behind her and must adjust the rest of her life accordingly in light of her new condition (roller coasters are no longer an option, for example).


1. Manufacturers should stop secretly lacing those little yellow tubs of allioli sunshine with heroin so we can all start to curb our addiction before the end of the season.

2. There should be a bus route between Playa d'en Bossa and San Antonio during the day. Seriously, though, this needs to happen.

3. Politely refuse looky-looky men if you are not interested in their wares, unless they are wearing those glasses with a penis attached to the nose, in which case they have gone the extra mile in terms of self-deprecation for a sale and should be rewarded on some small level.

4. There should be no more making or playing of remixes of Gotye's Somebody That I Used To Know. The once brilliant song has followed me insidiously around the island all summer like a brightly tessellated bad smell and the next person who causes it to sound will be thrown, flaming, into the sea from the top of Dalt Vila.

5. Sean ‘P Diddy' Combs can't come here anymore.

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