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Ranting Raver: Slebs in Beefa

An analytical treatise on the comings and (most fortunate) goings of celebrities in Ibiza.

Peak season in Ibiza: what a time to be alive. The island is at its hottest, loudest and busiest, overrun with Scousers, Italians, cigarette butts and celebrities. Ibiza has always been a popular getaway for the rich and famous at this time, but whereas in the epoch we now refer to as BSM (Before Social Media) it was considered a secret getaway, ASM it's a chance for certain celebs to show everybody how into themselves they are (judged on a scale of One to Bieber), which other a worthy celebrities they are in close proximity to (talented A-listers like Dicaprio or the Kardashian motherwitch) and what piece of fabric they paid thousands of dollars to look boho-chic in (thus keeping the Ibiza hippie spirit alive). Communication usually comes in the form of instagrammic photo evidence accompanied by cryptically encoded explanations of their location such as #sunshine or #boat, popular catchphrases of insincerity like #sorrynotsorry or, in extremely dire cases, insufferable expressions of entirely affected gratitude to an only potentially-existent higher power with the nauseating, #blessed.

The most publicised celeb-story from August in Ibiza so far has been the raging and bloody cage fight between Justin Bieber and Legolas. Witnesses say it was simply a drunken altercation, but that's why they're still just ‘witnesses'. Apparently there was a star-studded party at Cipriani's we forgot to RSVP to, where Bieber had been making rude gestures Orlando Bloom's way all night. Naomi Campbell was there, the Kardashians were there, Leonardo DiCaprio was there, Kanye and Diddy were there, Paris Hilton and Lydnsey Lohan were there and Kate Moss was there in her best dead fish caught in a commercial fishing net impression.

Leo Dicaprio noticed Orlando was acting kind of weird and kept staring over at the other side of the room. “Legolas, what do your elf eyes see?” he joked to Bloom, who responded, “Oh why don't you paint me like one of your French girls, Jack” with a withering glance.

Tensions were climbing, so when Bieber eventually approached the star it all kicked off. Bloom tried to punch Bieber, but accidentally got one of the Kardashians instead. It wasn't Kim though, so the fight continued uninterrupted. O-Lo took another swing at Biebs and Leo was like, “do it bro!” having previously turned down all requests Bieber made to hang out with the multi-millionaire zero-oscarnaire actor. Things looked to be spiraling into a ferocious fracas when the situation was suddenly diffused as Kim Kardashian and Kanye West started necking and several people were reminded of that music video where they had sex with their eyes closed on a motorbike and felt nauseated and had to leave the room, Bloom included.

Reasons for the scuffle are being thrown about on the Internet like the heads of enemies slain in a sandal epic. Word on the street is Biebs and O-lo have been swapping girlfriends. It's hard to imagine why Bloom's ex Miranda Kerr would be interested in the forever-pubescent shirtless douche-plug, but sources say the model in her has a secret weakness for his raised eyebrows camera face. The rest of us say that's just evidence of a struggling brain.

Girlfriend swapping is an obvious possibility, but my theory is O-lo and Leo are just jeal cause their faces have widened as they've aged and Biebs is still young and chiseled. It's called the Val Kilmer effect and it's happened to almost any famous guy except Keith Richards, whose skin is just very, very slowly dripping off his face and onto the floor.

In the end, Bieber left the island just in the nick of time before his pants fell right off his ass. Like a bleeding eyeball pelted into a calm pool however, his presence will have a wider effect, with Ibiza workers and Sankeys punters right across the island forced to rethink their dedication to the 90s revival fashion sweeping the scene after seeing Bieber sporting a bucket hat. So torn.

Apart from this epic and timeless Bloom/Bieber feud (they're calling it The Bloobereud), what's new on the celeb scene in Beefa? WELL.

Michelle Rodriguez and Zac Effron have been spotted all over town, heading to ENTER. at Space, then also to Bieber's obnoxiously large yacht, or oblayacht. It's a puzzling pairing and an even more puzzling combination of activities on account of ENTER being great and Bieber's oblayacht having Bieber on it and therefore not being great at all, not in any which way, no how.

Zac Effron has managed to upgrade his status over the years from cheesy teen idol to generally quite funny and inoffensive adult actor, in the process woo-ing Michelle Rodriguez, the older woman with a reputation as tough as beef jerky lined with diamond, if we are to assume she is exactly the same in real life as almost every single role she plays (and why wouldn't we). But Effro and Ro-gez have been keeping us guessing by appearing in Spain together and then also not together, sending the tabloids into a spin, A SPIN. Rodriguez tweeted she was in Marbella, then bamboozled us all by showing up at Paris Hilton's Foam and Diamonds party at Amnesia. Somebody must have told her she was a great character actor that night because the queen of the bitchy resting face was all smiles. Cara Delevigne was supposed to show but never did, which is good as it would have been totes awks after a brief rumoured lesbian tryst between Rodriguez and Delevigne which ended abruptly in a fight over who was the butch one. You'd assume Rodriguez but that Cara's a dark and surprisingly aggressive horse.

Speaking of Paris Hilton, she seems to have really made Ibiza her own (and there's nothing you can do about it). The hardworking Aquarius is hell-bent on putting an end to her freeloading socialite sparkle-whore reputation, which is why she's here in Ibiza making important advancements in her music career. Hilton has returned as resident at Amnesia, headlining her five date party Foam and Diamonds, where she swoons and swoops in front of her many lecherous fans for a few hours, DJs for them (ish), poses for their photos then gets to vanquish the cretins with a giant foam cannon. I can see the appeal.

Looks like everything's coming up Milhouse for Hilton, because she's not only making pigeon-toed strides in the dance music industry, but KIM AND PARIS ARE BACK TOGETHER. Be at peace readers, the celebrity feud between the two society alpinists has come to an end, long after we forgot why they were fighting in the first place. Kim Kardashian ‘grammed a pic of the pair looking all giggly together with the caption "Reminiscing about the 1st time we went to Ibiza in 2006! @parishilton it was so good to see you & catch up!! Loves it lol." which Paris then ‘regrammed' on her own profile. Experts have confirmed this means they're officially a power-frombo (powerful friendship combo) again. Loves it lol!

In other news - spotted! Sophie Ellis Bexter and Tony Pike (Ibiza's Hugh Heffner of Pikes Hotel) in the booth together at Cream. Could they be the hot new island couple? Sources say ‘ew'. Speaking of ew, Madonna has been sighted at underground doof den DC10, where it's reported she comes mostly just to work out, using the bouncers as dumbbells. Michelle Rodriguez, Brazilian footballer Ronaldo and Edgar Davids have also been sighted at DC10 keeping a low profile. Conversely, Sean Diddy Combes ricocheted into the DJ booth just a few tubas shy of a Hollywood studio fanfare. Diddy, whilst well meaning, we think, tends to be a bit of an ass in these situations, but we're not allowed to hate him anymore because he's made an album with dance music's underground hero Guy Gerber. The pair are releasing this album for free, which you'd think would deter me from ridiculing Diddy, but for some reason it doesn't.

Italian football hero Pirlo has been snapped all over the island, plus Liverpool FC captain Steve Gerrard is also about on holiday in an attempt to ease the pain over England's early exit from the World Cup. He has been spotted at VIP vacuum Blue Marlin, where even there he couldn't escape the zesty chanting of his fans: “Steve Gerrard, Gerrard… he's big and he's f***ing hard.” He is though.

All the dust kicked up by this celebrity invasion is just now beginning to settle in Ibiza, but not before the VIP aspect to Ibiza's culture has been given an entirely unwelcome boost in public perception, thanks to the insipid force of social media. The world may be applauding Orlando Bloom's attempted assassination of Bieber as an effort to take down one of society's greatest imbeciles, but as long as we and the celebreties are all still obsessively photographing ourselves, uploading ourselves onto the interwebz and clamouring to get beyond the velvet rope, then the Ibiza spirit has suffered and the lame guys won. What's weird is for so long celebrities kicked and screamed in defence of their privacy and at the horrors of the invasive paparazzi… now they're doing the pap's work for them, go figure.

WORDS | Ranting Raver PHOTOGRAPHY | James Chapman (Paris Hilton top), Kim Kardashian Instagram (Kim Kardashian/Kanye West/Kate Moss/Naomi Campbell), Heatworld (Justin Bieber), Fanshare (Justin Bieber), Radar Online (Justin Bieber), Virgin Media (Keith Richards), Pop Sugar (Zac Effron + Michelloe Rodriguez), Kim Kardashian Instagram (Kim Kardashian + Paris Hilton)